Friday, October 24, 2014

I Want to Write

I am here and I want to write, I want to write so badly. Am I ok? No not really but I am here.
I realised just this week why I can't write and why I haven't been able to write. It's these anti depressants I am on. Gosh why did it take so long to work that out? I have no idea. I do know they have sucked all my creative energy out of me. I am creative, always have been always want to be but I am so stuck. I have so many ideas for my photography, I really want to bring them to life. I read other peoples words like Eden, wow her words blow me away. I will never be able to write like her, I just want to write my words, my story. I need to get all this stuff out and I can't.

These AD's are tricky, they are the hardest ones to come off. I wish I had known that before I started taking them more than 4 years ago. I just have to miss a day and I cry. It sucks, big time. I hate feeling this way. I am on the road to see what I can do about it and how I can get off this marrow sucking drug. I want to live, I want to be happy when I am feeling happy, I want to cry when I am sad and not just because I have dropped a hat.

When Mel announced MicroblogMondays, I thought yay I can do that, I was so sure I would do it yet I haven't written a thing. I can't believe she is already up to week 8! See in my head I can do anything when it comes down to doing it I can't gather my thoughts. Nothing comes to me, nulla. Just like that travel blog I wanted to start writing. Yes I really want to do it and I can't. I hate it, I want to be a doer again. Not a freaking robot.

I am hoping by writing this post it will get me started again. I can't guarantee it, I can't guarantee anything. Because this isn't really me, it's this other person with a drug infused body and brain.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

My New Blog

I have started a new blog.
I need to focus on the good stuff, I need distractions.
We are headed on a camping road trip tomorrow up the North NSW Coast.
Would love for you to follow.
http://lionessandcub.blogspot.com.au/

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

A post in Bullet Points.

Thank you Anonymous for checking in on me. I am ok.

I know why I don't come back here, it's because I have too much to say and I don't know where to start, so I become overwhelmed in my own thoughts and I think no I just can't do it.

Perhaps I need to close up this blog. I don't know.

Maybe I should give you some bullet points.

  • Single parenting is hard. I am tired. Boo is just gorgeous but he is a very stubborn and determined. He is cheeky but beautiful and so loving it melts my heart. But some days are really tough.
  • My Dad has been diagnosed with mild Alzheimer. He has become horrible, I know it's not him it's the disease but it is heartbreaking. He is breaking our family unit apart. He has become paranoid and delusional, changing locks to the house twice even when none of us have a key. We take him food he throws it out because he thinks we are poisoning him. I could talk about this for ages but it's upsetting and I don't have the energy today.
  • I miss Max.
  • I miss my Mum.
  • I am still trying to build up my photography business, I am passionate about it, most days but some days I just lose the passion. I need to make money.
  • I am trying to look for part time work, without success.
  • I am seeing a psychologist. She is helping me work through all of the above. I know I will get there... Slowly.



Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Way Too Long.

Sorry, it has been so long.
Actually I just looked at the date of my last post and didn't realise just how long it has been.
I just want to say I am ok...actually no, I am not ok. I am pretty screwed up at the moment but I want to come back and talk to you about it. I will come back and talk to you about it, because I need to.

Here are some holiday pics from Thailand I want to share in the mean time. It was an awesome trip! Truly amazing.
















Thursday, February 21, 2013

Change of Plans

So I haven't been packing. We are not moving in with my Dad. I am feeling pretty bummed about it. I had all these plans and now they either wont be happening or have changed.

You see the day I went to my Dads to discuss which rooms we would be moving into and which of his furniture we would be moving, he cried. He stood at the door of each room and cried. He didn't want to move anything, he didn't want anything touched. I don't know what he thought when he said we could move in, I think he thought we would walk in with two suitcases and share the smallest room in the house which he isn't attached to. He is still grieving my Mum. I totally understand and respect that. Every one grieves differently. When Max died I had to leave our house. Yes I am still attached to many of his things, but the home not so much. Since my Mum died my Dad has never slept in their marital bed he sleeps in a single bed in one of the spare rooms. So moving into my Dads ain't gonna happen.

So the plan now is to go and enjoy our Thailand holiday in two weeks time and in the mean time declutter my house, I am getting rid of loads of things. When we get back we will either move into a 2 bedroom apartment in the same area or move to the coast 1.5 hours away. Where we can get something a bit bigger and with a small backyard.

I do believe that some things happen for a reason. Perhaps moving in with my Dad was not the best idea in the end. 


Monday, January 14, 2013

2013

Two weeks into it already .....Happy New Year!

It's going to be a good one, this year. I am planning a few changes for Boo and I and many, many travels and adventures.

The biggest change we will be making is leaving this house we are living in to move in with my almost 90 year old Father. Back into the home I grew up in. Only my Mum will no longer be there. I have been sitting on this idea for months and months and months now. The pros and cons going over and over in my head and I am still not 100% sure it's the right thing to do but I have decided to bite the bullet and give it a go. I have so much to write about this but I might just wait as it all happens.
So in the next month I will be packing and moving, not my idea of fun. Actually I am dreading it.

I do have something to look forward to once we have moved and hopefully settled in to our old home and that is another trip to Thailand with Boo. Yes I love Thailand! Some Most days I forget that I have a whole heap of stuff to do before our travel date arrives and just dream and research about our trip, instead of researching removelists etc. Can you blame me? We leave early March for 2 weeks. I will also tell you a lot more about this trip in another post.

Boo has been out of FDC for a few weeks and isn't back until next week I have loved spending so much time with him but gosh I am looking forward to him going back into daycare, I really need a break. We have been enjoying the Summer as much as we can. With lots of adventures and time spent at the beach. Boo is loving the water, it just makes my heart sing watching him so happy and confident in the water it is what I dreamed of.

I have taught Boo how to snorkel. I wanted to try and teach him before our trip, I am hoping we do a lot of snorkeling on the gorgeous beaches there. I succeeded! We started out in the backyard blow up pool then ventured to the beach a few times and now he can breath through his snorkel under water. He is almost 3.5, I am so proud of him.

My snorkeling Boo!

Some Summer Fun!

So if it goes quiet in here again, you will know it's because I'm buried in packing boxes.
Wish me luck!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

It has been a crazy couple of months.
I'm popping in to say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from Boo and I.
I hope to be back soon xx


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Were have I been, what have we been doing?

- No daycare for a couple of weeks due to Boo's carer having major dental work done so we have been on lots of adventures.
- I have had a sick boy, just a virus but he was very clingy.
- I have been really busy with work. I launched my Christmas special so I have heaps of photo sessions on. I am not complaining.

That's it in a nutshell.

And here it is in photographs...



















Monday, October 8, 2012

Since My Last Post

I updated my last post with my phone. I have only just noticed it didn't work. Appologies for those concerned and waiting on my results.

It's all good. I had my stitches out last week and got the all clear. Yay!


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I have had a birthday. Yes I am a year older...blah. It was meant to be low key which I was happy about... really... but my family and friends wouldn't allow that. So I ended up celebrating for 3 days with dinners and lunches and loads of birthday cakes! Nice to have such wonderful people in my life.


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I have had two 17 year old International students staying with me for a week, they are studying in Queensland and came to Sydney for a week of holidays. I was only meant to give them accommodation , but I ended up taking them sight seeing. I couldn't help myself, Boo and I love adventures so really it was not a problem at all. But it did keep us very busy. I am looking forward to getting back into our usual routine and claim back some me time.


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We have had some unusually hot Spring days so I managed to have my first ocean swim. Bliss. I can't wait to make the beach a part of our weekly routine.






Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Stupid Mole (With Update)

On Friday evening I had a really itchy back. I tried to get Boo to scratch for me but all he does is tickle and we both end up on the floor laughing. So the next best thing was a door frame. It was relieved but it continued to itch and I continued to scratch. I thought I must have a rash, why is my back so itchy.

I twisted my body in front of the mirror in attempt to see if there was anything there. There was, only it wasn't a rash it was a big mole right in the centre of my back, exactly where it was itchy. Fuck! was my first thought. I tried my best to have a good look but I am not the most flexible of people, I did notice it was raised a bit. I got my sister to have a look at it that evening. She didn't like the look of it, having had my nieces suspicious mole looked at just recently she knew what to look for. My niece is ok. So what do I do next, yep straight to Dr Google. No good, no good. I didn't like the images I saw. It has been doing my head in. All the horrible thoughts going through my head. I have an appointment at a skin cancer clinic tomorrow afternoon. I am feeling very, very anxious.

Please please....let this be nothing.

***Update***'
I am getting it cut out tomorrow then I need to wait a week for results.
All other moles on my body appear normal.
Fingers crossed.